My Examined Life

I was listening to a podcast from TED Radio Hour: NPR, The Person You Become and got me thinking about a lot of things. I might be thinking about this relationship or should I say this situation of mine too much. It's not just him that I'm thinking about. It's also myself. At first, I would wonder what could have I done differently? Did I do something wrong? How can I fix this? It was all me, is what I thought. Then it later moved on to perhaps accepting(?), but I felt or realized that there is nothing I can do.  We want to believe that the choices we make are right, but there's no way of knowing if the choice we make as we go on through life, small or big, are right. But we want to know. We hope that we make the right situation or we regret it. We question ourselves all the time because it's never consistent. At least, that's how it feels for me.  I think that's what's hard for college students. It's almost like we're back at a blank ...

A couple of days ago, I had an extreme breakdown. Typically, when I have these types of breakdown, I feel it comes and so I would stay away from people because it's whats best. However, this recent one was triggered. I got a message from my ex and one of the lines from the text was "things are over between us". Everything else was him tell me that I'm good enough and that I was doing well for myself, positive things. But reading "things are over between us" is what got me. I know from my previous post I would say that I didn't want him in my life and that It was best for him and I go our separate ways, but I'm not sure. I know a piece of me wants us to be together. I still catch myself daydreaming about my future and every time, he's in it.  I guess before, I wasn't so devastated over the breakup at first, because a part of me believed that when I got back to Virginia, that he and I would give it another try. I'm not so sure about tha...

I've been wondering why I'm not feeling for heartbroken from this breakup. Honestly, it was the best relationship I've ever had. Yeah, we had some issues, especially at the end. For a moment, I would see him in my future. So why am I okay? Shouldn't I be crying at random times? I know that I'm going to see him again because he has my fan and my minifridge, But that's not until two months from today. Would I still feel nothing about the breakup?  Sometime, when I'm having some alone time, I would purposely think about the times we had together, just to make me sad. I feel like I should be crying, but it just doesn't happen. I don't even have an empty feeling in me. I just go about my day. I feel guilty for not feeling sad.  I've allowed someone into my life, allowed them to be a part of the choices I made, whom I shared many experiences with, and now, they are no longer going to be a part of my life. Come on, that's some sad stuff, ...

Endings can be as hard as making a commitment. That's what I believe. Starting something, with someone, you begin to fit them in your equations. Where they will fit into your life. They're a variable. So when it comes to the end of a commitment, you don't know what comes next. Sometimes you don't want to see what comes next without them. Maybe it will make things more clear. Who knows for sure. It's the unknown. "I'm not the same as before" "I'm just dragging you down" "I'm not well enough to be in a relationship" These are the things I was told while being broken up with today. I didn't really want to end things, but the relationship died when I came back to Florida. I'm still kind of blaming myself, I know I shouldn't. I keep thinking that maybe if I would have just kept my mouth shut and let him go on about himself, that maybe the relationship would have gone on a little bit longer. But I already know if...

A person shouldn't feel guilty for admitting their feelings. It's possible to come clean with a feeling to someone and yet still feel bad for telling them. Possibly regret even, that maybe it was best to keep your thoughts or feeling to yourself. But who is to tell? There is no right side. I told my boyfriend today about what was going through my mind about our relationship. The truth is, I don't feel like anything I say to him is important. I've convinced myself that my anxiety about the relationship is nonsense. That I'm just overreacting. My thoughts aren't valid, they are just crazy because I don't have a clear mind. It's all imbalanced because I'm just a messed up person that ruins everything. And if I say anything about what I' thinking about the relationship, I would just ruin it like how I typically do. I truly do feel like I'm crazy. My boyfriend told me he's crazy, but that's he just hides it well from society. The onl...

Commitment is scary. For me and for many other people. I think a lot of us have different reasons why we fear commitment. Myself, it's, well, commitment is basically abstract. It's unknown. When you decide to commit to someone, you're committing into something that involves sharing your life. It involves them sharing their lives. It means that you are committed to staying with this person that can upset you and they will witness it. The will see you for who you are, that is if you are truly committed. And yes, it is possible to break away from being committed to this person, but where do you cross the line. Do you draw it when they hurt your feelings? When you argue or have a disagreement? I believe many will say no to those things, that it has to be more disruptive than it just being an inconvenience to an individual. Perhaps betrayal? Is that where you would draw the line. Well, think about this, what can be the betrayal? The question a lot of us would ask when committed ...

I think that it's typical for a female in any type of romantic relationship, would want their partner to be able to share with them their secrets, thoughts, and feelings. Things about their upbringings and anything else that is going on through their mind. Right? It takes away that mystery of wondering, of questions like what's going on in their head?  You see, that's what I thought. And I enjoyed it for the months of understanding my boyfriend and it's a wonderful feeling when my boyfriend confines in me. From the moment we first got together, he even told me that he is, for some reason, most comfortable around me. I listened to him. I enjoyed listening to him and his stories of why and how he's become the person he is today. His troubles and struggles. I helped the most that I can, but making sure that I don't make decisions for him. Because I truly believe that ultimately, it is up to him. My boyfriend and I have been together for about five months now. I...

I've been writing in a journal for some time. I say that writing in a journal to organize my thoughts to keep a record of my actions and decisions as I go along in my life. It has also helped with my memory. However, I have decided that I want to allow myself to feel exposed and more vulnerable. Perhaps, my course in life will be different if I write to the public. I'm not sure how many people will view this or who. Though, I want to put my life out there and my experience.  I had a blog once when I was in high school. It was for a short period of time. Maybe it helped. I didn't keep in on for long, because I would eventually just forget about it. But I have given up on many goals and this is something that I want to continue. I'll say a little about myself as of today. I'm 19 years old and currently a student at a small private university in Virginia. I was born and raised in Florida. Those are very different places, I know. Currently, I'm in a relations...