My Examined Life

I'm not in the mood of writing out exactly what's going through my mind. It's strange. I should mention that I now know that things are really over and I'm really trying to move on. It's tough and it's a very strange feeling because I have this guilty feeling of letting go of the person who's really changed my views about living and who opened a door to accepting my emotions. Therefore, I felt like I should write one of my journal entry from when the relationship started and when it ended  for me . I don't know if this would help me move on or if it will make things difficult, but I know it's something that I want to do. 11 February 2018 (The Start) So I should mention that I'm now in a relationship with T. He's what I like to call beautiful boyfriend. BB. BB and I are good together. I still find the concept of being in a relationship strange, but he's who I desire. What I desire. It's been taking me some time to accept him as a...

I've been wondering why I'm not feeling for heartbroken from this breakup. Honestly, it was the best relationship I've ever had. Yeah, we had some issues, especially at the end. For a moment, I would see him in my future. So why am I okay? Shouldn't I be crying at random times? I know that I'm going to see him again because he has my fan and my minifridge, But that's not until two months from today. Would I still feel nothing about the breakup?  Sometime, when I'm having some alone time, I would purposely think about the times we had together, just to make me sad. I feel like I should be crying, but it just doesn't happen. I don't even have an empty feeling in me. I just go about my day. I feel guilty for not feeling sad.  I've allowed someone into my life, allowed them to be a part of the choices I made, whom I shared many experiences with, and now, they are no longer going to be a part of my life. Come on, that's some sad stuff, ...

Endings can be as hard as making a commitment. That's what I believe. Starting something, with someone, you begin to fit them in your equations. Where they will fit into your life. They're a variable. So when it comes to the end of a commitment, you don't know what comes next. Sometimes you don't want to see what comes next without them. Maybe it will make things more clear. Who knows for sure. It's the unknown. "I'm not the same as before" "I'm just dragging you down" "I'm not well enough to be in a relationship" These are the things I was told while being broken up with today. I didn't really want to end things, but the relationship died when I came back to Florida. I'm still kind of blaming myself, I know I shouldn't. I keep thinking that maybe if I would have just kept my mouth shut and let him go on about himself, that maybe the relationship would have gone on a little bit longer. But I already know if...

A person shouldn't feel guilty for admitting their feelings. It's possible to come clean with a feeling to someone and yet still feel bad for telling them. Possibly regret even, that maybe it was best to keep your thoughts or feeling to yourself. But who is to tell? There is no right side. I told my boyfriend today about what was going through my mind about our relationship. The truth is, I don't feel like anything I say to him is important. I've convinced myself that my anxiety about the relationship is nonsense. That I'm just overreacting. My thoughts aren't valid, they are just crazy because I don't have a clear mind. It's all imbalanced because I'm just a messed up person that ruins everything. And if I say anything about what I' thinking about the relationship, I would just ruin it like how I typically do. I truly do feel like I'm crazy. My boyfriend told me he's crazy, but that's he just hides it well from society. The onl...

Commitment is scary. For me and for many other people. I think a lot of us have different reasons why we fear commitment. Myself, it's, well, commitment is basically abstract. It's unknown. When you decide to commit to someone, you're committing into something that involves sharing your life. It involves them sharing their lives. It means that you are committed to staying with this person that can upset you and they will witness it. The will see you for who you are, that is if you are truly committed. And yes, it is possible to break away from being committed to this person, but where do you cross the line. Do you draw it when they hurt your feelings? When you argue or have a disagreement? I believe many will say no to those things, that it has to be more disruptive than it just being an inconvenience to an individual. Perhaps betrayal? Is that where you would draw the line. Well, think about this, what can be the betrayal? The question a lot of us would ask when committed ...

I think that it's typical for a female in any type of romantic relationship, would want their partner to be able to share with them their secrets, thoughts, and feelings. Things about their upbringings and anything else that is going on through their mind. Right? It takes away that mystery of wondering, of questions like what's going on in their head?  You see, that's what I thought. And I enjoyed it for the months of understanding my boyfriend and it's a wonderful feeling when my boyfriend confines in me. From the moment we first got together, he even told me that he is, for some reason, most comfortable around me. I listened to him. I enjoyed listening to him and his stories of why and how he's become the person he is today. His troubles and struggles. I helped the most that I can, but making sure that I don't make decisions for him. Because I truly believe that ultimately, it is up to him. My boyfriend and I have been together for about five months now. I...