What I want to tell you, T.

I was listening to a podcast from TED Radio Hour: NPR, The Person You Become and got me thinking about a lot of things.

I might be thinking about this relationship or should I say this situation of mine too much. It's not just him that I'm thinking about. It's also myself. At first, I would wonder what could have I done differently? Did I do something wrong? How can I fix this? It was all me, is what I thought. Then it later moved on to perhaps accepting(?), but I felt or realized that there is nothing I can do. 

We want to believe that the choices we make are right, but there's no way of knowing if the choice we make as we go on through life, small or big, are right. But we want to know. We hope that we make the right situation or we regret it. We question ourselves all the time because it's never consistent. At least, that's how it feels for me. 

I think that's what's hard for college students. It's almost like we're back at a blank slate and from this, we start to wonder who we are or who we're becoming. That's just the thing. I think we're never going to know who we are because we're always going to have something changing us. Sure, we can put labels on ourselves to gain that sense of what or who we are or how others may perceive us. For example. myself, right now I'm a worker at Tacobell. But when I'm in my room, or when I'm driving, I don't know who I am. I'm not saying this is the case for everyone, but I do believe this is what's common for some of us. 

I'm still technically a teenager (I'm 19), but this year I am turning 20. I feel like I should be doing things. If I'm feeling this way when I'm this young, I can only imagine what I would feel five years from now and beyond.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is that we are always going to change and we're never going to be the same person as the day before. If we were always the same, then we wouldn't have to make choices in our lives. I'm not exactly happy with where I am in life, and I'm not when I ever will be. Truthfully, I am sad and it tough. 

Sometimes I feel like there's something in my mind that I want to open, but something is blocking it and I don't know what to do to get it to open. There is something that wants to get out, something that I'm not realizing about myself, but it's not letting me get it.

I feel stuck.

Things won't ever be clear to us until we're either very old or at our deathbeds.

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