The Relationship; Beginning con.

Commitment is scary. For me and for many other people. I think a lot of us have different reasons why we fear commitment. Myself, it's, well, commitment is basically abstract. It's unknown. When you decide to commit to someone, you're committing into something that involves sharing your life. It involves them sharing their lives. It means that you are committed to staying with this person that can upset you and they will witness it. The will see you for who you are, that is if you are truly committed. And yes, it is possible to break away from being committed to this person, but where do you cross the line. Do you draw it when they hurt your feelings? When you argue or have a disagreement? I believe many will say no to those things, that it has to be more disruptive than it just being an inconvenience to an individual. Perhaps betrayal? Is that where you would draw the line. Well, think about this, what can be the betrayal? The question a lot of us would ask when committed to another is can we get through this? Can we work through this situation together? These questions are valid to ask, but it for no one to decide. That's up to you. Commitment is scary because we don't know what we're getting ourselves into. Yet we still want it and when we have it, we don't know whether to stay in or get out, because it's a commitment.

I'm from Florida, but I go to a university in Virginia. Spring break was coming up and I didn't want to go back home, because I didn't have the money for it and I didn't want my parent to pay for it just for me to do nothing at the house. I told my boyfriend about it and he insisted that I stay with him. His roommates were going home so we would have the apartment to ourselves, so I took the offer. During that spring break, we weren't sober much. It was either being drunk or high. I was on my period and period sex is painful for me. I know some girls say that having sex on their period lessen the cramps, but not for me. It makes it worse. Also, I'm a heavy bleeder. This left us watching The Office on Netflix and lots of talking. A lot of talking from him and me, lots of listening. I remember just listening to him talk and every time I had something relatable to what he was saying, I would try to say it, but he just kept talking. He was just him talking. And I had a thought.

He did tell me that no one ever would listen to him. That he never had the chance to say out loud what he went through when he was growing up. He won't be like this all the time. I enjoy listening to him anyways. He'll give me the time the talk. It's okay. I'll just let him talk. That's what partners are supposed to do anyway, right? Listen.

So that's what I did. I listened. Fast forward to near the end of April. I'm leaving Virginia because the semester ended so I was going back home to Florida. My boyfriend was staying in Virginia. I thought, this is going to be tough, but we can get through it. I was going to be in Florida for four months. I went from staying with my boyfriend at his apartment for three days a week, every week, to not being able to be with him for 4 months. I know for some people it's worse. But this was new to me. This was a new relationship and we had only been with each other for only three months. But as soon as I was away, things were different.

My boyfriend was going through something. In the end, he called it ego death. This is my side of the story. He was doing his typical thing of what was going through his mind, but when I tried to explain to him that I was having a tough time home, he didn't listen. He just went back to talking about himself. I gave up in trying to tell him and just went to talking pills. Honestly, I was hoping he would realize that it was my cry out for help. His help. For him to listen to me. But no.

My anxiety is bad. I had it under control when I was in Virginia, but as soon as I got home, I felt like I was at rock bottom. I went to pills because I didn't have access to alcohol like I did in Virginia. The pills I would take were Dilaudid. I felt good on them. No worries. Before I would take morphine but I ran out of those. Dilaudid allowed me to get through the day as for morphine, all it did was put me to sleep.

My boyfriend and I would talk less now. It's at the point of just saying hi and hey and I would just want to ignore him for the rest of the day.

Here's the thing. I no longer feel comfortable sharing my thoughts with my boyfriend anymore. I want to, but I just feel like I can't anymore. I would write in my journal about my worries and most vulnerable thoughts. One day I decided that if I share with him what I wrote, then maybe he would realize that he should listen to me more, but no. He made it about himself. It hurt me so much, that he didn't even bother to ask why I felt that way or anything. He didn't ask me anything about it.

Another time I told him that I've been going into dark places in my head because my anxiety was really getting to me. That I was having bad thoughts about myself. He didn't bother to try to understand. The next morning, he didn't remember anything about it. That's where I felt betrayed.

I don't feel like I can talk to my boyfriend anymore, but I keep telling myself that we can get through it. It's what I like to think, but I don't think it possible. I keep imagining different ways with how our relationship will end. But I realize that it doesn't matter how it will end, just that it will end.

Am I still willing to commit?