The Relationship; End

Endings can be as hard as making a commitment. That's what I believe. Starting something, with someone, you begin to fit them in your equations. Where they will fit into your life. They're a variable. So when it comes to the end of a commitment, you don't know what comes next. Sometimes you don't want to see what comes next without them. Maybe it will make things more clear. Who knows for sure. It's the unknown.

"I'm not the same as before"
"I'm just dragging you down"
"I'm not well enough to be in a relationship"

These are the things I was told while being broken up with today. I didn't really want to end things, but the relationship died when I came back to Florida. I'm still kind of blaming myself, I know I shouldn't. I keep thinking that maybe if I would have just kept my mouth shut and let him go on about himself, that maybe the relationship would have gone on a little bit longer. But I already know if I were to do that, we'd just resent each other more.

I don't think I was asking for too much from him.

I'm not devastated. I'm don't feel heartbroken. Maybe a bit upset. I do wish that we could have made it work, but it's okay that it didn't. I know months from now, he won't cross my mind as much. I couple of times definitely, when I hear a song or when I see an episode of The Office.

I don't regret the relationship. I'm glad to have gone through the relationship. He allowed me to experience new feelings and emotions that I have deprived of myself for so long. I remember when we started dating, I have this flood of emotions just completely take over me and I was having breakdowns almost every day for a whole month. It was like unlocked this door that I kept closed for such a long time. He really made me realize that I'm capable of love. He made me realize that maybe, I'm not so bad after all. That it's okay to open up to someone.

I said it since the beginning. Let it happen. Whatever happens between us, I'm glad to have shared experiences with him. I'm happy for the memories we shared, the good and bad. 

But I have no choice but to let it go now. I do love him and I think I always will because he has changed me, but I don't want him in my life anymore.

To end this post I want to share something I wrote a month after him and I started...

It makes me happy. I've felt happy. This is a different one, because I'm sharing it with him. He does make me happy. I was happy before, don't get me wrong, but.. He adds on. That's why it's a new happy. A shared, connected happy. It almost makes me sad. Why have I stopped myself from experiencing this. What took me so long. Why him? I'm still not sure, and it makes me feel bad that I don't know. I think it's okay. I hope it's okay. Because he is different. Maybe that's why. He just came out of nowhere. I wasn't expecting him. I wasn't expecting anyone. I wasn't waiting on anyone...

It was good to have met you.