A journal entry from before.

I'm not in the mood of writing out exactly what's going through my mind. It's strange. I should mention that I now know that things are really over and I'm really trying to move on. It's tough and it's a very strange feeling because I have this guilty feeling of letting go of the person who's really changed my views about living and who opened a door to accepting my emotions. Therefore, I felt like I should write one of my journal entry from when the relationship started and when it ended for me. I don't know if this would help me move on or if it will make things difficult, but I know it's something that I want to do.

11 February 2018 (The Start)

So I should mention that I'm now in a relationship with T. He's what I like to call beautiful boyfriend. BB. BB and I are good together. I still find the concept of being in a relationship strange, but he's who I desire. What I desire. It's been taking me some time to accept him as a person to care for me. To share him into my life. I let him in and he's let me into his. I still need to accept and understand that it won't always be easy. So far, it has been. Comfortable is what I'll call us. I can't deny that. I know this sounds cliche, but I can understand silly love songs. Really. He makes me understand why people don't want to be alone. The first couple of times BB has gotten with me, I wasn't sober. But I remember. I was letting loose, so to my surprise, he didn't freak out about my depressing side. Of course, though, we were just hooking up at first. The whole relationship just happened because it seemed right. I hope not to shut him out ever. I really do hope that. He has a dark side too. It makes me angry sometimes because he is someone who had felt indifferent his entire life. It's sad. He's made it through and making it through. I'm happy with him. I really can't depend on him though, at least I feel like I shouldn't. People aren't here forever. He does make me forget how I could have been so cold as a being before. He does bring me warmth. Everything is okay. For now. He pointed out to me that I tend to doubt the goodness of the future. I have to rid that from my mentality, of 'for now' and 'yet'. The thing that makes us work, I think is the idea of no expectations. BB is sweet but cynical. I see it going long-term, honestly. He told me he does too. 11:40 PM.

01 July 2018 (The End)

So I know now that T and I are over. We had an almost three-hour phone call. It was the conversation I needed. I know it's over because he said that he knew or realized that I wasn't 'that person' and he is looking for 'that person' and it's not me. It was heartbreaking to hear, but I needed to hear it because I now know that I can let go. Honestly, I thought he was 'that person'. But the more I think, maybe I knew he wasn't 'that person', but I wanted him to be. I have to keep telling myself that I will be okay and that he will be okay too. I do believe it, but it's tough to remember it. He said a lot to me. Very nice things. He's changed me and I will always keep that with me as I move on. It's going to be okay. 1:58 AM